Onyranidroevol

There have been far too many scrabbling, institutionalized fingers picking at me these past few weeks. There have been too many deadlines, too many exams (storm clouds threatening on the horizon), too many 'important' decisions heaped upon me like so much dead weight...too much stress accumulating as a result. Hold on -- just a moment. Am I speaking in absolutes again? Am I categorizing things too strictly...subscribing to a dualism that has, at its worst, managed to cripple me time and time again? If I begin to suffer from a self-inflicted insanity, what means could I employ in order to regain some semblance of mental stability? What, exactly, is 'justifiable punishment' within the sphere of self-motivation?

Because this stress is such a massive force right now, I have begun to think that the accompanying depression and anxiety are...disgustingly prevalent. I have a hard time believing that anyone wants to be apart of this process -- that anyone feels the need to bear the brunt of my venting, to help me weather these academics-seeded tempests...to help me. I don't feel that my reasons for being so "mentally fragile" are verifiable -- but some times (usually at night, when the darkness makes this room seem so shrunken and dead) I imagine that they are utterly well-founded and true. It's hard for me to judge the extent of change this stress has worked in me, and only now am I beginning to realize that by clinging so tenaciously to one side of the issue, I am (in effect) creating more vexation.

It's this dualism that I create and believe in that has so altered my temper and my coping abilities. It's my refusal to "flow" -- simply and with the current -- that has helped to make this stress so difficult to manage. One of the few things I have working for me (at the moment) is a recently-made promise to 'open up,' to continue talking even when the fear of being seen as-is (and mentally thrown open) threatens to shut me down. I can't begin to describe how absolutely relieving and freeing this is to someone who's been intensely private, oppressively guarded, and silently defensive for two decades. It's a wonderful thing, I think, and I'm utterly grateful that I have been made to experience the amazingly nebulous qualities of love. Though still in its infancy, this love has bounded over and across all parameters previously subscribed to...indeed, nothing ever turns out as it's expected in this relationship -- and it is this constant newness, this constant shifting and creating, that really baffles me...in a good way (to be sure).

Since I've made that decision to cease the 'snapping shut,' I find it hard to not express myself. Granted, I only feel comfortable expressing myself to a single person (for the time being) -- but at least that's something, right? In the last week, we've covered so many different topics...most of which have occupied a substantial thought niche in my brain. I have the urge to talk right now -- to discuss something in depth that's only just occured to me this minute (in relation to something that happened last weekend). I won't though; I can't. I need to take a nap, to get started on homework and a lengthy paper and about a thousand other things all directly related to my success as a student and as a human being.

"So many things that keep...that keep me underground;
So many words that I...that I can never find.
If you give up on me now I'll be gutted like I've never been before..."