Sillystring

Why can't I find stability in a mise-en-scene created solely from feeling? It is wholly up to human nature and that part of a mortal being that woos the cognitive self into certain emotional states, I think. As such, the facet that dictates what is and isn't 'human nature' in this body has been permanently altered by situations largely uncontrolled by both rationale and common sense. I never was one for reason, I suppose; I never was completely convinced that the brain is the only organ that factors in on opinions, decisions, and ideas. Is it because I abhor a thing entitled 'common sense' that I search fruitlessly for fragile vindication? That I lack what little strength it takes to stop myself from spiraling into a place too overwhelmingly bleak to mention is proof enough of the void left by self-efficacy. I can't bring about change as easily as it would seem...as easily as I would like.

I've been turning over and over in that bleak place for some time, to be honest. I've gone off what was prescribed to keep me whole, to be honest. I'm walking up and down this cavernous, self-constructed hallway in the dark; I'm too afraid to switch on the light, and I'm too afraid to open the door for you. You're a god, and I'm not...and I just thought that you should know. Chemical imbibitions, astounding intelligence, Brian-Eno-songs -- all of it meshes together into something that I could never know. Into something that discomposes me. Into someone that I love. You're a god, and I'm not. I just thought that you should know.

"Precious, watch yourself. Be careful. Precious! You're going to feel icky again..."

Drops-all-warm-and-thick-skinicide-makes-scissors-stick.

It's going to take some time to rock myself to sleep tonight. Blissfully long time since that's happened, and now there's no lifeline to call. That's the way the world turns, I suppose. 'Watch me maim what little self-efficiency I have by saying that I miss you.'

"Somewhere there's speaking...
It's already coming in.
Oh, and it's rising at the back of your mind.
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it,
Now you're here and you don't know why.

But under skinned knees and the skid marks,
Past the places where you used to learn,
You howl and listen,
Listen and wait for the
Echoes of angels who won't return.

He's everything you want,
He's everything you need,
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be...
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time,
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why.

You're waiting for someone
To put you together,
You're waiting for someone to push you away;
There's always another wound to discover,
There's always something more you wish he'd say...

He's everything you want,
He's everything you need,
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be.
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time,
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why...

But you'll just sit tight
And watch it unwind;
It's only what you're asking for --
And you'll be just fine
With all of your time;
It's only what you're waiting for...

Out of the island,
Into the highway,
Past the places where you might have turned.
You never did notice,
But you still hide away...
The anger of angels who won't return.

He's everything you want,
He's everything you need,
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be;
He says all the right things
At exactly the right time,
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why...

I am everything you want,
I am everything you need,
I am everything inside of you
That you wish you could be...
I say all the right things
At exactly the right time,
But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why.
And I don't know why.
Why...?
I don't know."