Shocked.

It seems that I can't close that book. I can't finish the chapter. My GOD, I can't turn to a new section of life's library. I can't. I was thinking of him again; I was thinking of Dustin, and I was wondering where on this earth he'd disappeared to. No, I didn't harbor a slip of a thought as to where I might be able to contact him at. No, I don't want to hear from him ever again -- period. He ruined me. He wrenched an innocent girl away from all semblances of reality because she thought she loved him . . . and he knew it. He knew it, and he used that information to bind me ever closer to him -- despite the havoc it was wreaking upon every facet of my life. I'm angry at him still for it, but sometimes I wonder if he ever really grasped the seriousness of his actions. I don't know if he ever understood. It seems he had a mental condition; there were symptoms of a borderline personality disorder, and to think of it makes me want to break down all over again. I played into the very manifestations of this rot, and I did it because I thought that if I just stuck it out, I'd be able to help him. I'd be able to heal him, to soothe his demons, to make him see that life was worth living . . . the right way. Oh, but I was wrong. I was very, very wrong.

Anyway, I was thinking about him again. I don't know why. I've had dreams about him in the past few months. I've stumbled across the letters he wrote to me from jail. I remember the phone calls he placed to me -- begging me to come to his house. I remember, too, the chance meeting we had two years ago in the supermarket parking lot. He hugged me -- he put his arms around me (and there were fresh scars!) and he told me he'd be stopping up to see me that night at the bowling alley. I was numb with shock. By that time, I was dating Josh . . . and I didn't want anything remotely romantic with Dustin -- but I still wanted to heal him. I was scared though, and so when he did show up (posse in tow), I ignored him completely. I didn't reveal this to anyone in my last "Outpouring" because I didn't want to face the criticism that might have stemmed from it. I didn't want anyone to know (save Josh) that I'd actually left an avenue of communication open to him. I didn't want to take the responsibility. But here it is, folks. I . . . lied. I did see Dustin after I walked away from that relationship. I saw him, I heard from him, and I saved his letters -- but after that strange encounter at the bowling alley, I never found him again.

I know why that is now. I KNOW why I haven't seen Dustin for two years. Do you want to know?

Dustin is in the Wisconsin State Prison on charges of armed robbery with use of force.

Armed robbery. Yes. He's in a state prison for armed robbery. He's in a state prison for five years -- for half a decade -- because he committed armed robbery with use of force. I'm breaking down now even as I type this. I don't know how Dustin . . . my Dustin . . . could have gone from a slew of misdemeanors and a few stays in a psychiatric ward to a felony. I don't know. It hurts to think about it. I just don't know how he could have done it. I never thought in a thousand years that Dustin would have been capable of doing something as ferocious as armed robbery. But he did. And that's why I haven't seen anything of him. Oh my GOD . . . I don't know how he could have done it. I don't know. I'm finished for now. There's nothing more to say on the matter. I'm shocked.