Why?
I feel like I have been eviscerated.
Everything is numb. Question marks are pooling.
Two words gutted me. Right in the middle of my parents' room.
"It's back."
My parents were in Madison all day. I didn't know they'd been at the hospital. My mom had a biopsy done for a lump on her side. When they came home I was cleaning, and my stepdad told me to wait a minute...to come into their room. I went in, asked how everything was. He told me to sit down. And then those two words came.
They were like snakes. They bit me. In the middle of my parents' room.
The lump is a tumor. A softball-sized mass of cancer.
My mom has cancer. Again. For the third time.
"It's back."
Now I know there is no God. Now I know religion has no place in my heart. My mom's tiny frame will be wracked with sickness again. She will lose her hair again. She will spend the next part of the year -- perhaps longer -- throwing up and being injected in the hospital. Again.
Againagainagainagainagainagainagainagain. This is happening to her again. To our family again. Right before my sister graduates, before she leaves for the Air Force. Before I start my second year of college. Before my little brother starts his senior year at high school. I won't be singing old Led Zeppelin songs with my mom as she plays the piano this summer. I won't be care-free, I won't be smiling, I won't be, I won't be, I won't be.
I can hear her now, crying in her room. Because she's in pain. I saw my stepdad cry again, because she's in pain. I cried. My little brother cried. The other three don't know yet. But they'll cry, too. And there's nothing we can do about it.
If I knew there was a God, I would tear him limb from limb. If I knew why he was doing this to me, to us, to her, I would slaughter him. WHYWHYWHYWHY?
I need somethingsomeone right now. I need them to keep me from myself. I need everything to go back to how it was a day ago. I need to know why. Why?
Everything is numb. Question marks are pooling.
Two words gutted me. Right in the middle of my parents' room.
"It's back."
My parents were in Madison all day. I didn't know they'd been at the hospital. My mom had a biopsy done for a lump on her side. When they came home I was cleaning, and my stepdad told me to wait a minute...to come into their room. I went in, asked how everything was. He told me to sit down. And then those two words came.
They were like snakes. They bit me. In the middle of my parents' room.
The lump is a tumor. A softball-sized mass of cancer.
My mom has cancer. Again. For the third time.
"It's back."
Now I know there is no God. Now I know religion has no place in my heart. My mom's tiny frame will be wracked with sickness again. She will lose her hair again. She will spend the next part of the year -- perhaps longer -- throwing up and being injected in the hospital. Again.
Againagainagainagainagainagainagainagain. This is happening to her again. To our family again. Right before my sister graduates, before she leaves for the Air Force. Before I start my second year of college. Before my little brother starts his senior year at high school. I won't be singing old Led Zeppelin songs with my mom as she plays the piano this summer. I won't be care-free, I won't be smiling, I won't be, I won't be, I won't be.
I can hear her now, crying in her room. Because she's in pain. I saw my stepdad cry again, because she's in pain. I cried. My little brother cried. The other three don't know yet. But they'll cry, too. And there's nothing we can do about it.
If I knew there was a God, I would tear him limb from limb. If I knew why he was doing this to me, to us, to her, I would slaughter him. WHYWHYWHYWHY?
I need somethingsomeone right now. I need them to keep me from myself. I need everything to go back to how it was a day ago. I need to know why. Why?
posted by Ophelia at 3:57 PM
1 Comments:
"Do you pray in the night? Can you appreciate the wind?
And I won't care, I won't fight ,I need you close to sing.
It's the same beginning
And I can't pray when you cry, but I'll be there to hold you tight.
And I would kill, I would fight.. to keep you close.
I keep singing the same way, I won't live.. If you died.
If I can feel you in the wind
And I can't say, and I don't know.. How far I'll go.
Gone away.. It's the same old, same old song.
Gone away It's my whole life In words."
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