markedasinfernal

No, you don't know.

You don't. Don't! No one does. Thorns uncurling like eights and landscapes of static wreathing a still-warm head and "I will let you down, I'll let you down, I'll...when you finally trust me, finally believe in me." I feel like days-old peanut butter stuck to the roof of a salient mouth, abyssal creatures with the abyssal eyes. "Never want to come down." I shouldn't have let you do those things to me, because now I'm going to be sick. I thought I was something special and there (there!) you go telling me I'll be fine if I'd just let you...

God damn it! I'm foolish and fallacious and witless and weak-minded, irrational, laughable, imbecilic, hurt, damaged, and grieving. I am soft on the inside and pretended-strength on the ouside. I'm not what you think I can be. No, you don't. You don't. It was wrong of me to make conjectures. "Now it seems I'm fading. All my dreams are not worth saving. Done my share of waiting...and I've still got nowhere else to go...so I wait for you to take me all the way...take me all the way."

I've felt like this a thousand times, only now it's abominably worse. "So real these voices in my head." The company would be appreciated! I'm not the same thing I was when I woke up. Infinitely more deflated and upset. Take me all the way. "Push me under, pull me further...take me all the way." The long unsober binge yesterday was amazing. Absolutely lovely.

To the three meaning-most:

Abandoned little hypocrite (I am), I don't blame you for your silence. I didn't put in the right amount of effort, and you gave up on me. I still love you. I told you. And I'm sorry for my absence.

Pinned and writhing insect (I am), I have never been good at this. I have never been able to write worth a damn. Your words were like something-that-kept-me-going, made me feel poet-like even if I wasn't. And then you told me something else, and I'll only die after our city is built.

Confused, stitched-up dolly (I am), "it took so long to say...you walked away from me when I needed you;" why didn't you protect me from you? Why was it alright to just-let-me when it could result in pain? My sickness? I thought...never mind what I thought.

"Inside a crumbling effigy...but you promised; so dies all innocence -- but you promised...me."

I swear to god I'm going down. I swear to god I'm drowning. I swear to god.

"I lay strewn across the floor, can't solve this puzzle --
Every day another small piece can't be found;
I lay strewn across the floor, pieced up in sorrow...
The pieces are lost, these pieces don't fit,
Pieced together incomplete and empty..."

Walked away, heard them say "poison hearts will never change."

You know? You don't.