Rain-smell

"When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye...
You're just like an angel --
Your skin makes me cry.
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world;
I wish I was special...
You're so fucking special.

I don't care if it hurts.
I want to have control.
I want a perfect body --
I want a perfect soul.
I want you to notice when I'm not around...
You're so fucking special;
I wish I was special..."

These last fews days have been gloriously overcast. The weather's turned chilly and still. I've traipsed through Greenwood lots of times...taking pictures and writing all sprawled-out on the grass. Reflections like falling leaves touch me now and again -- urging me up on this return from rock-bottom. I dwell sometimes on difficult ideas, delicate situations, and unfading recollections...I'm growing to enjoy this personal and painful re-education.

The self-destruction has ceased entirely. The numbing of one pain through the infliction of another seems now, at best, a temporary stage of indecision (what to do with aches that won't go away with a pill?). It ended, glossed over, and painted up the torment [undeniably] for a short period of time. It aided me sometimes; it kept me from indulging in activities that might have altered me permanently. This isn't to say that I didn't flounce down such paths at times...because I most certainly did. Now, however, I stifle these thoughts because I was asked to. I was asked to stop, and I wanted to stop. I respected that request's source too much to deny it, and I have enough faith in myself to know that I am worth far more than self-inflicted agony. No more the angry, swollen grids of red on my legs. No more the sleep-rocking. No more the acetaminophen overdoses. No more the hurt.

No more the self-destruction.

I'm worth far more.

I deserve to be happy. Being happy isn't wrong -- it isn't an affliction brought down upon me for the sole purpose of making me uncomfortable. Being afraid isn't wrong, either. Fear is completely and utterly acceptable, as long as I choose to do something about it. I cannot now, for any reason, allow myself to creep back down towards that place I found myself in months and months and years ago. I cannot allow myself to fear others' judgement (what does it matter to me?), I will not fear the consequences of momentous (momentary) bliss, and I will not give up on something (without hope of renewal) once I've started it. No more this "ashes to ashes" business. I'm finding new strength in myself daily...and I'm sometimes glad that I hit the bottom. I couldn't climb back up if I didn't.

"Time is never time at all;
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth,
And our lives are forever changed...
We will never be the same.
The more you change the less you feel --
Believe, believe in me, believe
That life can change, that you're not stuck in vain;
We're not the same, we're different tonight...
Tonight, so bright,
Tonight.

And you know you're never sure,
But your sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake --
The place where you were born;
Believe, believe in me, believe
In the resolute urgency of now...
And if you believe there's not a chance tonight,
Tonight, so bright,
Tonight...

We'll crucify the insincere tonight;
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight.
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight --
The indescribable moments of your life tonight,
The impossible is possible tonight.
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight..."