"Never meant to be so cold..."
I'm exceedingly tired. And broke. And wit-depleted. College has managed to, in the course of a few days, turn my big brain into a mashed potato-esque substance not designed to deal with mass amounts of stress and pressure. I suppose I'll eventually evolve (as all things are wont to do), I suppose I'll adjust, and ultimately...I suppose I'll survive. It's the fluctuating emotions and the dizzying bouts of paranoia and apprehension that concern me the most. I was driven deep into depression last year -- I was dragged bodily into a raging sea of black things...trampled underfoot by colassal fits of anxiety...stabbed and pricked again and again by feelings of worthlessness and doubt. Though such things don't affect me much at this time...I'm worried that I'll again sink to the bottom of the pool, and I'm worried that I'll breathe too deeply once settled there.
Ashes to ashes, though. Ashes to ashes.
My classes this year are interesting, to say the least. What once I thought a hard-to-swallow Spanish class is slowly looking lighter. I can't be sure if this impression will remain optimistic, but I can only hope. My dorm buddy is also loads better than last year. I went to high school with Amy, and she's the girlfriend of one of my best friends. Amy and I get along so well it's scary...we joke all the time, we're both sick and twisted (to the best degree), and we'e both so happy that we found each other...because neither she nor I can stand the catty-ness, the prissy-ness, the voluntary stupidity, and the materialistic qualities of other girls.
Here's the thing: ting-a-ling.
Wheeling off on a tangent designed to trigger a smile (in myself), I miss you. I miss you more than I thought I would. I miss talking about random subjects with you...cheshire grin: and I miss playing with you. Like I said before...you'd better finish that book. I wantwantwant it. And it would be in your best interest to give it to me. (Insert ominous, half-giggling laugh).
"Every time we touch we get closer to Heaven...
And with every sunrise our sins are forgiven;
You on my skin -- this must be the end.
The only way you could love me is to hurt me again
And again and again and again..."
Ashes to ashes, though. Ashes to ashes.
My classes this year are interesting, to say the least. What once I thought a hard-to-swallow Spanish class is slowly looking lighter. I can't be sure if this impression will remain optimistic, but I can only hope. My dorm buddy is also loads better than last year. I went to high school with Amy, and she's the girlfriend of one of my best friends. Amy and I get along so well it's scary...we joke all the time, we're both sick and twisted (to the best degree), and we'e both so happy that we found each other...because neither she nor I can stand the catty-ness, the prissy-ness, the voluntary stupidity, and the materialistic qualities of other girls.
Here's the thing: ting-a-ling.
Wheeling off on a tangent designed to trigger a smile (in myself), I miss you. I miss you more than I thought I would. I miss talking about random subjects with you...cheshire grin: and I miss playing with you. Like I said before...you'd better finish that book. I wantwantwant it. And it would be in your best interest to give it to me. (Insert ominous, half-giggling laugh).
"Every time we touch we get closer to Heaven...
And with every sunrise our sins are forgiven;
You on my skin -- this must be the end.
The only way you could love me is to hurt me again
And again and again and again..."
posted by Ophelia at 2:48 PM
2 Comments:
I know the fear of repating the past, and of all the world crashing down tomarrow.
If it is any help, know that I (and people far more quilfed then me aka people you have known longer) are here for you.
Matt
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase each other doesn't make any sense.
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