(+/-) 11%
I wrote for you, but you'll never see it. I needed you, but you'll never know. All that talk of airflow and exhalations gilded something deeper, covered in talk-tissue things I want to say. Over and over again.
I am not well. Can't you tell? This thing has got a hold on me.
Bipolar tendencies, indeed. I'll never be able to let go. I'll never be able to give up hope of appearing adjusted, eloquent, pulled-together. I want to be pulled-together. I want to be the high-end, witty, calm-and-collected girl you've always wanted to love. And while you're performing constant acts of self-improvement, I'm hovering (slit-eyed moth) somewhere between sanity and the crumbling-point...not caring whether said superificial vessel becomes overgrown with inactivity and loss of sleekness, or whether such inactivity is ripping holes in self-esteem's paper-thin skin.
Hypocritical, yes I am. Despondent most days, yes I am. Hungering for a chance to see your Eno-eyes one more time? Luck providing, yes I am. You don't need me! Just look to yourself. Sobs catching in my throat, listen: you don't need me. I don't need me. I am detrimental to your evolution now that the imbibation of chemicals has stopped. I am a roadblock, plain and simple. I need you. You don't need me. Such is the way of things.
Ashes to ashes.
I am not well. Can't you tell? This thing has got a hold on me.
Bipolar tendencies, indeed. I'll never be able to let go. I'll never be able to give up hope of appearing adjusted, eloquent, pulled-together. I want to be pulled-together. I want to be the high-end, witty, calm-and-collected girl you've always wanted to love. And while you're performing constant acts of self-improvement, I'm hovering (slit-eyed moth) somewhere between sanity and the crumbling-point...not caring whether said superificial vessel becomes overgrown with inactivity and loss of sleekness, or whether such inactivity is ripping holes in self-esteem's paper-thin skin.
Hypocritical, yes I am. Despondent most days, yes I am. Hungering for a chance to see your Eno-eyes one more time? Luck providing, yes I am. You don't need me! Just look to yourself. Sobs catching in my throat, listen: you don't need me. I don't need me. I am detrimental to your evolution now that the imbibation of chemicals has stopped. I am a roadblock, plain and simple. I need you. You don't need me. Such is the way of things.
Ashes to ashes.
posted by Ophelia at 6:32 PM
3 Comments:
Here's the thing - Romulus and Remus. Of the same she-wolf, baby..
But don't you see? You're the reason for my self-improvement (if you'd like to label it as such...)
If you think I want some simple minded, happy-go-lucky cheerleader, you're absolutely wrong. I'll take the tempest. Yes, your seas may be stormy, but I love you all the more for it.
I need you more than you could ever know. A roadblock? Hardly. You've just begun to unravel the tightly wound coils of my subconcious. I was Ouroboros, wrapped up in and devouring myself. You have put a chink in the snakeskin armor. Light is seeping through, and you with it. I am no longer alone in here, and it feels wonderful. You are teaching me how to be human, and unlocking parts of me I never knew existed.
If you were to leave me now out of some illusory lack of need, and imagine me to be better off, the steel bars may very well drop back down behind my eyes, and my autophagy will recommence. I will once again be draped in coils, diamond-hard and ice-cold. My mind is densely populated... I could stay there in the snow forever. But now I've seen the alternative, and I don't want to go back.
Am I not being sufficiently witty? Is my sentance structure unvaried, my word choice bland, and my thoughts jumbled? I don't give a fuck. I love you.
So if you would do me a favor and never dub yourself unneeded again, there is much soil to be moved before I am unearthed.
I seconed everything Anonymous number two said.
I know the self hatered, and I know words from the outside do little for it.
*wishes for spells or words to make you free*
"who wouldn't be the one you love?
who wouldn't stand inside your love?"
I will be, for as long as I can, anything you need of me.
Lancealot to your Quweniver.
It may make no logical A + B = C senes, but it is the path I chose, and the life I want.
Matt
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