Autumnal agonies

"Somewhere inside my evolution,
Karmically I seek retribution,
Looking for love in physical beauty...
Desire is the drug of the bourgeoisie;
And now I try to intellectualize,
Like a glimmer of good in a bad man's eyes,
I am consumed by the flesh haunting me,
I know temptation taunts the empty..."

I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps I am empty -- if I'm nothing more than a skinbag topped off with disease, infection, and a pretty image of who-I-want-to-be. Alright, just a minute -- that last sentence absolutely reeked of self-pity; allow me to reiterate in a less abrasive manner:

My doctor called this morning with the lab results of last week. The end diagnosis was something of a shock (an unpleasant surprise wrapped in the trappings of a cold, silent house), and I'm still reeling...just a little. Apparently I have infectious mononucleosis, complicated by acute viral hepatitis and dusted with some of the most severe symptoms a patient suffering from aforesaid illness could have. Oh, yes -- I'm not kidding. I have mononucleosis and hepatitis all at once...and I'm ready to close my eyes and go to sleep for a long, long time. Is there going to be an end to all of these sicknesses? In all honesty -- are they ever going to end? Am I going to be perpetually sick for the rest of my life? If this is a "rough patch," I'd rather dip down into a comatose state than weather whatever else is in store for me.

"...So douse yourself in cheap perfume, it's so fitting of the way you are -- you can't cover it up."

Oh, yes. I know. In a few months, I'll probably look back on this and wonder why I allowed myself to get so upset. However...when one itches all over their entire body, loses ten pounds due to intense nausea, and watches her store of energy trip out the door...well, it does a number on sanity. At least I'm not skinning myself alive, I suppose -- though this itching is making said option look more and more enticing. And at least I'm not leaving lyrics from "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" on my away messages, along with cryptic half-phrases suggesting I'm out to kill myself ("fer reel ths tyme!").

I love life a little too much to go and do away with myself, I think. "I'm two quarters and a heart down...and I don't want to forget how your voice sounds." Dr. Ahmed recommended that I start taking over-the-counter Benadryl in conjunction with the prescriptions I'm already taking. Well, he didn't specifically tell me to keep taking the medicines he prescribed last week...but he didn't tell me to stop taking them, so I'm assuming I'll be okay taking both. If not, I suppose we'll just have to wait and see what this medical venture does to me. It had better be a hell of a lot more interesting than what I'm shouldering now, or I'm going to go absolutely insane.

"...So give me all your poison,
And give me all your pills,
And give me all your hopeless hearts,
And make me ill.
You're running after something
That you'll never kill...
If this is what you want,
Then fire at will.

Preach all you want -- but who's gonna save me?
I keep a gun on the book you gave me (hallelujah), lock and load...
Black is the kiss, the touch of the serpent son --
It ain't the mark or the scar that makes you one...

You'll never make me leave,
I wear this on my sleeve,
Give me a reason to believe."