"Serpent yellow deadly lemon"

Sometimes I wonder, in no particular terms and for no particular reason, why I was blessed with you. Sometimes I wonder, under no particular circumstances and during no particular instance, why I dwell on my trangressions, my loss (of you), and the things I did afterward that soothed (partially) the pain self-inflicted and perpetuated through the "I was wrong, and you won't forgive me" line of reasoning.

Sometimes I wonder why I remember. Sometimes I remember why it hurts to visualize the lines of your face, the timbre of your laugh, the deadpan style with which you speak. Sometimes I recall that I still love you. Sometimes it aches, the void left by no-arms-around-me, no-eyes-on-me, no-you-with-me, no-domino-fiend-for-me.

Sometimes.

And then there are times when I realize that I can apologize forever (and perhaps I should), but you won't change your mind. There are times when I realize the horror of my actions, the hurt it caused you, and the things I destroyed because I wanted the path of least resistance; there are times when I remember these things, and I shake. And I close my eyes. And I burrow beneath the blankets.

Sometimes.

There are times, too, when I understand that humans are human -- that errors are made despite best intentions and in opposition to rational thought -- and I sigh. I sigh and I breathe and I realize that although I've made it so that we cannot be the "greatest things to happen to each other," I will learn, and I will grow, and I will change. The journey back to the top of this pit that I've fallen into is treacherous...it's deep, and slippery, and lined with a thousand razor-lipped whispers that threaten to bring me down, step by struggling step.

But it won't happen.

I've been gifted with forgiveness and a persevering love from the only friend who's stood with me for a decade. I've been gifted with the realization that my sister (my best friend, my confidante, my hero) has far more strength and wisdom that first I thought. I have been gifted by a once-caged darling (watching for Venus) who now has more wit and life than I do, by a family who cares for me unlike any other, and by a new spirit that has slowly (but surely) mended itself in the absence of self-destruction. I am healing, growing, learning, loving...slipping back into a glittering skin that, before my fall, had sloughed off and slithered out of reach.

I am becoming me again, and I am thrilled. I am trudging through health problems without the aid of self-medication, self-mutilation, self-inflicted sorrow -- and I am winning. I no longer dwell on death, no longer writhe in that dew-damp yard and cry for an end, no longer whisper to you that I want it all to stop, and that I'll make it better...swiftly, violently, shockingly.

I love you. When you surprised me that night, I thought it over -- and when I told you, I meant it. Narcissist, hypocrite, sophist...yes, I am. But that's who loved you, and that's who you loved.

And it's okay. And I care. And I'm living life just fine...