Adolescence (Again)

I have a cold.

"It's a funny 'ol world, inn't?"

I managed to crawl into bed around eleven -- and I fell asleep just a few minutes after. I've been so tired from all the recent health woes that I just can't go out and piss around all night like I used to. I guess it was a godsend that I couldn't find anything remotely interesting to do last night; I left my little moon-and-stars light on (like I used to do in the summer) and I set "Thirteenth Step" and "Sing the Sorrow" on perpetual loop...and then I slithered under the covers. And died. Well, it was close in approximation -- I listened to those albums I knew the best (and whose lyrics managed to describe in disgusting detail my position), I watched the shadows quiver on the walls of the room I knew best, and I huddled under blankets that (strangely) hold more memories for me than photographs.

I got a haircut yesterday, too. Hallelujah. I look different, now. I look sleeker, now. I like how I look, now. In fact, screw modesty. I look studly, now. Studly! Har har! Oh, don't let the cheery pirate facade fool you. I'm wondering what to do today, hoping that I'll sleep easier tonight (as me and Mom are apparently taking a shopping trip tomorrow morning), and wishing that this convoluted and painful situation I so suddenly find myself in (what happened this week? I'm so bewildered...) will resolve itself before too long. I start a new job Monday, I have doctors' appointments coming up...and I want to be held. Heldheldheldheld.


"I cannot leave here, I cannot stay;
Forever haunted, more than afraid.
Asphyxiate on words I would say,
I'm drawn to a blackened sky as I turn blue.

There are no flowers, no not this time,
There'll be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words I find.
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this hurts me.

I cannot stay here, I cannot leave;
Just like all I loved, I make believe.
Imagine heart, I disappear...seems
No one will appear here and make me real.

There are no flowers, no not this time,
There'll be no angels gracing the lines,
Just these stark words I find.
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this hurts me.
I'd tell you how it haunts me,
I'd tell you how it haunts me,
(Cuts through my day and sinks into my dreams.)
I'd tell you how it haunts me...
(Cuts through my day and sinks into my dreams.)
You don't care that it haunts me.

Oh,
There are no flowers, no not this time;
There'll be no angels gracing the lines...
Just these stark words I find.
I'd show a smile, but I'm too weak,
I'd share with you could I only speak,
Just how much this hurts me.
Just how much this hurts me.
Just how much you..."